SNIGLETS FOR EMS

Ambuslaps - Sharp, double blows, delivered to the back door of an ambulance, presumably to signal the driver to pull away; often seen on television.

Ambusneak - To shut down all emergency equipment several blocks from a scene (also see cloaking device).

Ambudextrous - Ability to hold BVM with two hands and squeeze the bag with your elbow.

Beltsnarl - Mishandling of an ambulance seat belt by a frantic relative accompanying a patient; typically results in a need for assistance with disentanglement.

Blurrections - Unintelligible directions to a call (e.g. "hang a left where the old schoolhouse used to be")

Brady Brunch - Medication (typically 0.5 mg atropine) administered in an attempt to increase a patient's heart rate.

Breathanol - A gaseous, still-potent form of alcohol found wafting from the mouths of certain EMS frequent fliers.

'Clean Jerk' - What you hope you get when you pick up a body that's been down for a long time.

Cloaking device - A yet-to-be-invented gadget that renders an ambulance invisible to people who have nothing better to do than call 911 several times a day.

Code Surfing - Riding the stretcher into the ER while performing CPR.

Corpseekers - Bystanders who maneuver and crane at the scene of a fatality, hoping to catch a glimpse of the recently deceased.

Dash trash - Paperwork, Burger King wrappers and other assorted litter that accumulates on an ambulance dashboard.

Diesel Zone - The area to the right rear of an ambulance in high idle at an emergency scene; marked by hot, toxic gases, the atmosphere is impenetrable by bystanders.

Docklings - A whole bunch of baby interns or residents following the attending physician through the hospital corridors.

Ecnalubmauloid - Any person who asks why "ambulance" is spelled backward on the front of your rig.

EMS-F - A new EMS Certification affectionately known as an Emergency Medical Stretcher-Fetcher.

EMS Wedgie - The condition of an EMS worker after being "helped" (with a firm grip on the belt accompanied by lifting action) while carrying a patient down a flight of stairs.

EMTpee - A tent-like structure created by an exhausted EMS worker pulling the sheets over his head in a vain attempt to get a few minutes of sleep.

FACBP - A Fellow of the American College of Bystander Physicians; can easily be identified at any emergency scene as he shouts orders (typically "hurry up!") at EMS personnel.

Faceprints - Windshield indentations in car crashes.

Fetcher - Any lower-level EMS worker, firefighter or police officer who is repeatedly sent to the ambulance to carry ALS equipment to the fourth floor of a building with no elevator.

Flaffling - Hand motion by drivers stopped at intersections; intended to "help" the responding ambulance through.

Gleek - Any embarrassing siren noise, produced either unintentionally by the siren operator or intentionally by a "gleeky" partner.

Glovidue - Stubborn white powder marks left on dark uniform pants or the steering wheel after surgical gloves are removed.

Golden Four Minutes - The critical period prior to shift change when calls are most likely to come in.

Kevlodor - The pungent aroma that wafts from body armor after several hours of continuous wear, particularly on a hot day.

Kevlumps - The condition of a body armor vest after having been slept in.

Levassistants - "Helpful" bystanders at the scene of a medical emergency who attempt to help the stretcher into the ambulance, usually upsetting the balance.

Lightbar Squirt - A momentary activation of emergency lights as a greeting to passing fire apparatus, police cars, and other ambulances.

Medimutes - Patients whose relatives feel compelled to answer all questions for them.

Mediperks - Imaginary rewards that frequent flier patients are working up to (e.g. a free toaster after their 20th ambulance ride).

Optic Analitis - When your optic nerve is connected to your anus causing your outlook on life to look like shit!!

Positive Samsonite Sign - Victim requests emergency response. On arrival, victim standing at the curb with suitcase packed.

Ronnie and Floyd - Two previously unnamed "ambulance drivers" in the "Emergency" TV series; although they had non-speaking parts, the characters are easily identified by their sideburns, Afros, and white tunics and pants.

Singer Technique - Rapid and repeated plunging of the IV needle attempting to find a vein. Considered bush league.

Sirenoid - An emergency vehicle driver who wears out the siren selector switch while attempting to make the most creative noise (see gleek).

Snowden's Law - An age-old postulate saying that a blitz of calls will come in just as you get a chance to sit down in the bathroom.

Spazner - Any frantic relative at the scene of an emergency who gets in the way and generally makes things worse.

Spooge - Sticky residue, usually of organic origin; may be found on poorly cleaned backboards, laryngoscopes and other medical equipment, or on ambulance armrests.

Talboting - The act of driving as slowly as possible to delay arrival at an unsafe scene or unsavory call.

Teetershuffle - Emergency foot maneuvers done to avoid falling while carrying a patient.

Telesymptom - An imaginary condition thrown in when calling 911, presumably to make the ambulance arrive more quickly (e.g. "Yeah, he has a broken finger _and_ chest pain"; see telexaggeration).

Telexaggeration - A situation in which dispatch information does not match actual patient condition (e.g. "leg amputation" turns out to be a skinned knee).

Teley-Medic - a newsperson's general term; used to call every EMS person on a scene a "paramedic"

Two dude Syndrome - Victim beat up; generally reports minding own business when, "two dude's beat the sh*t out of me."

Wailmuffs - Secret headgear worn by civilian drivers who don't want to be bothered by the ambulance behind them.

Wailenyelps - Exciting new noises created by holding the siren knob between clicks

Working-guy nod - A brief head-twitch of acknowledgement to EMS personnel from roadside utility workers.

Yelpkins - Children who hear sirens and run out to watch a passing emergency vehicle.

Yelpswerve - A sudden, violent, evasive maneuver performed by a civilian driver who has just realized that an ambulance is behind them.

EMS One Liners

Airborne Ranger - Suicide by fall.

AMF-YOYO - Alright Motha&*#$%! - Yer On Yer Own.

Arrythmia - Living an alternative rythm style.

AST- Assuming Seasonal Temperature.

BA Bingo - Play the lottery on blood alcohol results.

BATS fx - Broke All To Sh*t

BENIGN - After you be eight.

Bluey On The Green - Full arrest on the golf course.

BOHICA - Bend over, here it comes again.

BOHICA-WOKY - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again, Without KY

Cancer - yes , I can sir.

Car vs. Pole - "But I only had 2 beers!"

Concrete Inspector - Homeless Guy.

Concrete poisioning - What a jumper dies from.

Cranial Rectal Inversion - Head up butt.

CTD - Circling The Drain; see also FTD

Defibrochism - the need to test the defib out on oneself.

DFO - Done Fell Out.

DRT - Dead right there.

Deceleration Trauma - It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop.

Doing The 'Elvis' - Vagal out on the toilet.

Doing The Tuna - Seizures.

EMD - Early morning discovery (Woke up dead).

Faceprints - Windshield indentations in car crashes.

FTD - Fixin To Die.

GB Out - paramedic student abbreviation for cholecystectomy.

Gravitational Disassociation - What intoxicated people experience when they fall.

Hamburger Helper - pedestrian vs. AMTRAK.

Hang a Texaco Drip - Haul butt fast.

Hypovolemic - Volumetrically challenged.

Instant Ambulance- Hip pack carried by the overzealous medic.

Insurance Pain- "Neck pain" secondary to minor MVA.

JP-FROG - Just Plain F%&#*@in' Run Outta Gas.

Laser Trace - Asystole (dead as a hammer).

MARPS - Mind Altering Recreational Pharmaceuticals.

Mr. Sta-Puft - the DOA after 2 weeks without A.C.

Navigationally Disadvantaged - Your partner who can't read a map.

"O" sign - Someone who lays unconscious with their mouth open.

Opscultate - To visually measure a patient's vital signs without actualy taking them.

Pap Smear - Fatherhood test

Patient is A.R.T - Assuming Room Temperature!

Patient Vu - The strange feeling that you've transported a particular patient before.

Person of Xenon - Guy who runs with every light known to man on the top.

Pharmanesia - The inability to remember what a patient's home medications are for.

Pharmeceutically Enhanced Personallity - Cocaine O.D.

Pharmeceutically Gifted - A steroid user.

Polyadipose Dysfunction - Big fat person.

Projectile Vomit - ALWAYS has the right of way!!

PVC Challenge - Intubation.

PUHA - Pick Up and Haul Ass - equivalent to Swoop and Scoop.

"Q" sign - Someone who lays unconscious with their mouth open and tongue hanging out.

Raisin Farm - Nursing home.

Raisin Hockey - Shuffling Nursing home Pts back and forth from the hospital.

Randy Rescue - New Guy with more crap on his belt than in his truck.

Rectovisualitis - When your rectal nerves are crossed with your visual nerves and you have a shitty outlook on life.

Rheumatic - amorous

Road Pizza - Motorcycle Crash Victim

Salad - Permanent ventilator patients with no EEG activity.

Stare of Life - Look on a rookies face during his first code.

Status Asparagus - Brain dead patient.

Tater- A vegged out patient.

Tater Toter - Ambulance transporting a non-emergent patient.

Test Pilot for Sara Lee- Obese patient.

T.I.D - Transient in distress.

TTA - Temporary Tranisent Alzhemiers ( sometime suffered by EMS personel).

TBC - Total Bone Cruncher.

Urban Outdoorsman - Homeless person.

Using the paddles - Person of charge.

Vein - Conceited

V-Fib - A person of contractions.

Vertically Challanging Person of Size - A 400lb guy on upper floors with no elevator.

VDRT- Very Dead Right there.

V.I.P.- Very intoxicated person.

Vital Signs 'WNL' - We Never Looked.

Walky Talky - Someone who can ambulate and converse.

Windmill- The frantic relative who has taken it upon himself to gesture as he sees you coming down the street.

Windshield Taste Test - MVA victim who nails the windshield unrestrained.